The Top Twelve Winter Tips

WITH LITTLE SIGN of winter relinquishing it’s grip on the UK, it’s time to give a little thought into a few strategies to make these cold, dark days with their attendant problems a little more bearable and manageable.

Compiled here are twelve of the most helpful suggestions to help keep you comfortable, safe and warm whilst enduring the conditions and avoiding ‘cabin fever’. Other suggestions are very welcome!

Good luck!

COUNCILS. Counter negative press at lack of gritting in winter by doubling the gritting effort during warm summer months.

HOMEOWNERS. Cut expensive winter electricity bills by turning off all your house lights and issue the family miner’s helmets.

WHILST snuggled up at home reading a book, tear out the pages as you read them. These can be burnt and used as an invaluable source of heat. Additionally it saves the expense of buying expensive bookmarks.

FROZEN PIPES? Can’t take a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

CHRISTMAS DINNER. If you’re being entertained by family or friends and have a bout of wind, explain to your host that there are crumbs on your chair. When she/he comes to remove the crumbs with the hoover, you can fart away to your heart’s content.

WEATHER in your area warmed up again? Bearded men can retain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.

IF A SMALL child is choking on a home made ice lolly, don’t panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down the youngster’s throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

CONTACT LENS WEARERS. Keep your eyes warm and toasty during the cold weather by adding a few drops of chilli sauce to your cleaning solution.

MUMS. A strip of banana peel tacked to the bottom of each of your children’s shoes allows them to be towed effortlessly around in the snow.

LADIES TIGHTS beneath the trousers can be worn by men and make perfectly good, economical leg warmers. In summer, switch to wearing cooler and more hygienic stockings and suspenders.

TO MAKE a satisfying and filling snack on these cold wintry days, thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

DRAFTY HOME? Hang a Cornflakes packet on a piece of string in all the doorways of your house. Bumping into the brightly coloured boxes as you pass through will remind you to close the door behind you.

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