My Guide To Scotland

I love the country of my origins, I most sincerely do. There are however, numerous myths, mysteries and even downright untruths lurking ready to trip up the unsuspecting tourist and spoil that special, once-in-a-lifetime holiday to the Auld Country. There are quite a few stereotypes that surround Scotland and the Scots which can be unhelpful and misleading . In this short guide I hope to dispel some of the innacuracies associated with the subjects of:

* Climate

* Language

* Meanness

* Social Drinking

* The Loch Ness Monster

* The Haggis

* Highland Dress


So, to begin…

You know it’s Summer when:

It never gets dark – apart from when it’s night-time.

Scots drive around in their cars with the windows open wide and the heaters on maximum.

Acres of scaffolding suddenly appear around Scotland’s proliferation of historic buildings. Gift shops and craft shops mysteriously appear from thin air.

Outdoor pursuits such as cycling become extremely popular in the summer months in Scotland

Overcome those language difficulties:

If someone offers you a Glasgow Kiss, always refuse.

A Square Go is actually a threat of impending physical violence. lways worth avoiding in Scotland.

The Term Sex in Scotland refers to the thing people have their potatoes (tatties) delivered in.

Other vital words you might need to know:

Tattie Bogle – scarecrow

Minging – extremely smelly

Spirtle – porridge stirrer

Scottish meanness: The Truth

Teabags are re-used up to thirty-six times in some rural areas of Scotland.

A well-bred Scot will always attend a wedding with elastic on his confetti.

Copper wire was first invented by two Aberdonians fighting over a two pence coin.

It was reported recently in the Edinburgh Evening News that two taxis collided on the High Street . Three people were said to be seriously injured. The other twenty-two escaped with just cuts and bruises.

It was a Scot who invented the first cure for seasickness by leaning over the side of a boat with a ten pence in his mouth.

A Scot emerges victorious from where he dropped a fifty pence piece three days ago

Scottish pubs typically:

Have a jukey (jukebox) which continually plays Flower of Scotland – (twelve-inch disco mix).

‘Happy Hour’ is better known as ‘Frugal Hour’. During this hour of high jinks the bar staff traditionally refuse to offer any change to the customer. See square go.

Have locals who are obliged to offer a stunned silence when tourists enter the bar.

The end of another cracking night out on Lothian Road, Edinburgh

Loch Ness Monster sightings are often caused by:

Cardboard cut-outs constructed by the local primary school children.


English hoaxsters dressed in papier mache costumes.

Haggis Facts:

The first haggis birth in captivity made national headlines in April 2001, when Doctor Angus McCoatup delivered a twelve pound eleven ounce baby haggis in the Inverness Safari Park’s special unit. The haggis, affectionately named ‘Harry’ by the park’s staff, is hoped to be a visitor attraction for many years to come. It is understood that with the right care, the Highland Haggis can live for up to seventy-two year.

The heaviest recorded haggis weighed in at eighteen stone four ounces and was caught by an East Lothian farmer in 1907.

The ancient sport of haggis baiting has become ever more popular since the 1970s. This has lead to a genuine fear of extinction for Scotland’s indigenous animal. Haggis experts believe that if the sport of haggis hunting, using packs of docile Skye Terriers is not properly licensed, this remarkable creature could face extinction by 2025.

Wearing the Kilt

The wearing of Highland Dress has always been popular amongst Scots, especially for special occasions. Weddings and other formal affairs plus sporting occasions such as football and rugby matches featuring the national teams regularly see plenty of tartan swathing. It’s also useful because:

The burdz love it.

It can be used an an impromptu hang glider/fishing net/sleeping bag

Another popular use is for drunken bullfighting when holidaying on the Spanish Costas.

There are some wonderful new designs and tartans specifically targeted at the discerning tourist. The illustration below shows our model wearing the latest shocking pink creation woven from fabric that was first used for the Apollo space missions.


3 thoughts on “My Guide To Scotland”

  1. This is absolutely beautiful!!! You have me laughing at loud in office 🙂 Thanks for the information and the giggle 🙂

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